Love, Losing, and Moving On

Love Lost:

Hollow, empty longing, the dull aching distraction of melancholy memories, abject tears, and hopeless pining, consuming all reason, and clouding the mind… poisoning it with disheartening regret, disappointment, and doubt…

Few are those who have felt love in all its glorious joy and never felt these feelings when love is lost. We all ask ourselves “What one thing could I have done differently?” Eventually letting time heal our wounds, though not without scars, we at some point usually decide to take the risk again gambling every ounce of the treasure that makes us human.

If we are strong we learn from the mistakes and heartache becoming better prepared for the next battle with attachment, but are we? Really? Those of us who give all into a relationship, can only lose all… Those who give little into a relationship are better prepared for the loss but only because they never fully committed to love, as love is an all or nothing venture for most. Is it possible to have a lasting monogamous intimate relationship without giving all of yourself? But then shouldn’t love always be tempered with reason, and a commitment to your own identity?

Losing someone you love in any manner is never fun, and it is never easy unless you are the most callous of human… So is love worth it? Knowing that no matter how long you are with someone eventually you must face the loss of the one you love, or they must face the loss of you… Where is the root of love? Are there genetic markers for it? Is it designed to propagate the species, and if so why then is it so hard to lose? We all know love, and we all know many different kinds of love, however, the loss of any of the objects of that love no matter at what level is inherently painful. Why is that?

Why is it that the only real way to recover in a positive manner from a lost love is to mentally condition yourself to see the object of your love lost forever as though they were dead? Which is real tough if it is a former spouse and there are children involved.

I once loved a girl with my whole spirit… it was a love so intense and consuming it was almost overwhelming. For many of my friends and family on the outside looking in they did not understand… They could not believe that I could be so in love with this woman, to the point that some scrutinized my mentality. She was not perfect with the same human faults and frailties as we all have, but it was the connection to my psyche that was breath taking… It truly was a heart & mind bond. It was our Hara that found each other and it was intoxicating… A thrill ride of cosmic confluence of Chi that defied logic, and reasoning, and all the while in the back of my mind I knew it had to end sometime, I hoped it would be at a great old age, but alas it was short lived. Which was painful as love lost always is but with time and reasoning the pain resolved to understanding and compassion, and back to love on a different level.

To this day no other single love relationship has had a greater impact on me… No single person has occupied my thoughts more. Though not in an abject pining way, quite the contrary, I think of her with fondness, and I wish her the best in life and all the happiness any one person can have. She is always in my prayers and occupies a loving place in my heart, free of guilt, or pain, though I would be a liar to say I have had no regret. Nonetheless, I have a sound concept of reality, and it is not so much her personally, as the type of connection I had with her that I would like to have with another.

I have no contact with this former love and really have no idea where she might be or what her life is like as I made a conscious decision to close that chapter of my life, choosing to break contact with the friends I met through her, and none of the friends we both share have contact with her. It’s as though I have grieved her death in many ways… I have come to accept it is impossible for her to ever again be a part of my life. Whether or not this is right or wrong is certainly debatable, but it is what works for me, and it allows me to maintain a healthy attitude about the whole affair.

However, I honestly hope that one day I can have that same kind of relationship with someone more stable and grounded, though sometimes it’s hard not to think the odds are against it. And even though I am very comfortable not being in a committed realtionship, we as human beings are cursed with long memories and it is hard to escape those subconscious reminders of souvenirs from better times… when two felt as one, and that is what makes us want to get back on the proverbial horse… isn’t it?

Sound off… What do you think of love, loss, and moving on? How has it touched your spirit?

Namaste

Workplace Trauma for Veterans

This past Saturday, the 11th of November was of course Veterans Day in the U.S.A. and in observance most Federal and State offices were closed on Friday, including my son’s school. I share custody of my son with his mother, and he spends every other week with me.

Veterans Day is a very important holiday for me, and is a day I deeply regard, as my father, three of my uncles, my grandfather, and great grandfather are all veterans. I myself am a veteran, as are some of my closest friends… Veterans day is a day filled with many memories for me, and though a solemn celebration, it is nonetheless just as significant, if not more so then Thanksgiving.

Since separating from the service in 1989 and entering into corporate America as an IT professional I have taken a vacation day to observe Veterans day when I worked for an employer that did not observe the holiday by closing shop. Fortunately I spent several years in the Banking Industry doing IT work so this was not an issue every year.

Currently I work for a very large manufacturing organization… At it's core, it is a very blue-collar organization, though I work in the corporate headquarters. Typically organizations such as this are more in touch with the sacrifices made by soldiers and are inclined to show appreciation even if they don’t close-up shop in observance…

Not in the alternate reality of my work environment… I had a person who is a peer with my boss send an email to HR which cc’d my boss, inquiring if there was legal grounds for demanding that I be at work on Friday… Can you believe that? No exageration, that is axactly what he "Demanded." Like the whole damn company would not be able to function if I observed Veterans Day along with the rest of our nations patriots...

Mind you I average between 50 – 60 hours a week on the clock, and I spend a week on call for free every 6 weeks. What really makes this gut wrenchingly disgusting though is that I had already coordinated with my boss to take the day off and got her approval.

Normally on this day my son and I make a trek to the Veterans Memorial in a local park, and lay flowers, burn incense, and say prayers, then we go to see my father, and call my best friend who I served with in 25th Light Infantry Division, and who is now a police officer in rural Virginia.

After coordinating the day off with my direct supervisor, I sent out an email to the other members in my department that I would not be in the office, letting them know what my son and I were planning in observance of the holiday. On this email I copied a few other key people I have been working with related to a specific project for which I am the technical lead and network design architect. In addition to this email I had to decline participating in a meeting for the project that only involved me indirectly… There was no reason for me to participate as two days earlier I had told the PM to schedule the meeting for Monday as I would not have anything to provide before then anyway. When I declined the meeting the PM got his feathers ruffled and I can only imagine what kind of email he sent to his direct supervisor… the one that is a peer with mine?

So Thursday afternoon the whole department is in our weekly staff meeting, and our boss has the projector hooked up to her laptop as she does every staff meeting, and low and behold the Outlook pop-up notice of the contrived email that was sent to HR came floating across the bottom of the screen… Long story short my boss was furious, and both the PM and his manager apologized… to her.

Though this was a transgression committed against me on a deeply personal level, as I am the veteran, no one has apologized to me… Except for my boss, but then she is an exceptional leader who understands people, has integrity, and is not a passive-aggressive chicken-shit.

How would this make you feel? What is your take on this type of passive-aggressive contrived activity? Would you work in this kind of an environment? What is your experience with this kind of unprofessional behavior? Let me know what you think… Especially all you fellow Vet's

Namaste

Ethics in the workplace

First discourse on 13 words:
Conscientious, Pacifism, Passive, Aggressive, Assertive, Violence, Ethics, Axiological, Deontological, Integrity, Mercy, Compassion, and Kindness: These hotlinks are provided to help understand how these words apply to the post. If you have any questions just click on a word, then click your back button to come back to the Blog.

Namaste

What does it mean to be a Pacifist? I have come to realize that despite the definition, there are many subjective understandings; at least among those people I have contact with on a regular basis. For me Pacifism is the result of an astute understanding that violence begets violence. Violence in response to violence creates a vortex of negativity that only ends when a positive choice is made to stop participating in the cycle. Pacifism is a personal dedication not to participate in such activity, not only on a global scale but also on a personal scale… to a degree, and here is where things start to become paradoxical.

If you were to be a practicing pacifist, and the serenity of your peaceful home was disrupted by the violent actions of a home invasion, and you found yourself, and your family threatened with almost certain death; how would you react? At this point prayer is only helpful for you to stay focused, it is no substitute for action. Would you turn the other cheek; at the expense of those who are dependant upon you for safety and security in their lives? If you did choose this path, would you not have crossed over from Pacifism, to being Passive? After all, Pacifism, and being Passive, are not synonymous contrary to many peoples understanding.

Would violent action in defense of your family be a compromise of ethics as a practicing pacifist? Given a practice of pacifism, would taking violent action against such a threat as I have described be axiological, or deontological? That is the really tough question… I personally believe it to be axiological to take deontological action in this given scenario, but then I spent eight years as an Airborne Light Infantry soldier, and though I am a practicing pacifist, I cannot un-learn the survival skills I have been taught. That is what happens when you eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge, you can never regain the innocence lost... and though I may not ever want to take a persons life, I have to live with the fact that I not only know how, but I know I can if necessary.

The harsh reality is ethics are defined by the individual, cultures, groups, professions, societies, organizations, clubs, corporations, religions and even the different sects within a given religion, etcetera, etcetera, ad nauseam… The bottom line is - objectively ethics are subjective; what is one mans ethical principles, morals, and integrity may very well be another mans crime… It is merely a matter of a given perspective and the framework upon which it is based.

No matter how assiduously conscientious I am about pacifism I have to accept that it will always be subject to interpretation of those far less familiar with the philosophy… I am by no means a passive person. In fact I am quite the opposite… especially professionally. I am very assertive… I have even been accused of being aggressive, to which I typically take offense given my principles of pacifism…

For me it is very black and white… I am assertive in that I have little tolerance for bullshit, and backstabbing passive-aggressive chickenshits. I am a results oriented professional, and I expect forthright honesty, and candor tempered with tact. I have no problem taking someone to task in this regard, but I am never threatening, derogatory, or belittling, which I equate to aggression (and a low self-esteem). I think Teddy Roosevelt hit the nail on the head with his analogy to “walk softly and carry a big stick”. The problem is corporate America is full of whining little-minded self-important passive-aggressive blow-hard poseurs, who have no problem trying to bullshit there way along their career path. It is only when these types are held accountable for results by people like me that they get culled from the herd…

For example I may sit across the table from someone in a conference room and tell them they are wrong when they are, hold them accountable, or call bullshit when I hear it. That is being assertive, but what I won’t do is reach across the table and slap them across the face and call them a dumb ass, as that is being aggressive, belittling, and insulting… not to mention physically abusive, despite however effective such action may be.

I find it interesting that upon close examination of words like passive, assertive, aggressive, insulting, belittling, they are all subjective… Even abusive is a subjective word, and yet our current societal acceptance has gone soft on these ideas… We have let the line slip as to what is acceptable and what is not and become a nation of crybabies, and cannot understand why we are weak. Strength comes from within and without… It is both inverse and overt... a careful balance. Consistency implies strength through Integrity. Decisiveness implies strength by being Resolute…

Conversely does Mercy imply strength or weakness? Is Compassion a strength or weakness? Is unconditional Love strength or a weakness? Upon careful consideration, and astute examination it becomes irrefutably true that though these ideals are considered soft and perhaps even weak they are in fact the greatest of human strengths… These innately human ideals are central to our survival and key to the expansion of humanity… This is irrefutable.

Whenever I consider this I am reminded of a line from the song “I Know It’s Over” by the Smiths… I am certain that Morrissey & Johnny Marr recognized the profound sublimity of the line “It takes strength to be gentle and kind…” when they penned that song. For the unfamiliar the record is “The Queen is Dead” by the Smiths. It is a great record, yes record this is before CD’s, however I digress…

So what does it mean to be a “strong” human being? Is it a dedication to the Middle Path; which in-and-of-its-self requires consummate inner strength? It is a forgone conclusion that an inclination to bully people and push the meek around so as to get your way, even when you can bench press a Freightliner Truck is certainly not strength, and most certainly overcompensation for a weak self-image.

It would seem then that great strength takes an assertive Integrity, and fearless Decisiveness, that is tempered with Compassion, Mercy, and Kindness. All of which can only be maintained through resolute personal dedication… self-discipline. However, most people are not this conscientious and are easily intimidated by someone as forthright and honest as this ethic implies. Having mercy on these weakened individuals is a necessity though these are the very types who will stab you in the back… What is that rule? Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice shame on me.

The point I am getting at here is the ethical dilemma presented here is the same as the previous but on a less overt level… In the workplace when is it appropriate to stop being merciful and take decisive action with a poor performer? When is it appropriate to call bullshit on the self-aggrandizing posturing, and demand results? More importantly this begs to question, is mercy, compassion, or kindness even appropriate in the workplace? It certainly is at conflict with business, as decisiveness is always the primary modifier in all situations impacting the bottom line directly or indirectly.

What do you think?

Bodhidharma